Was I Wrong?

I had not seen Victor all week, but I wanted to give him something that would make him feel special. So yesterday I typed out this little note, "inviting him" to a special dinner at my place. It would be at 7:00 and then I threw in an optional "matinee" for afterwards--a nice movie of his choice. So I made some homemade pizza, lit the apartment with candles, put on some soft romantic music, and waited. He came on schedule, appearing tired but happy. He gave me a hug that made me melt instantly. I served dinner--he loved the pizza, which made me very happy--not so much the desserts I attempted, but it was ok because he ate more pizza... :) Then he went back home to get his blanket and pillow, (as they were required for the matinee..), and we reclined on a layer of blankets and pillows on the floor, watching a movie on my mini dvd player and cuddling. Soon he became stiff though, so we moved up to the bed, me giving him plenty of room to sprawl out. We were relaxed, comfortable, and enjoying the movie and one another's company. But then we switched spots so that I was laying in front of him and he was holding me. It was very nice. But then he started making noises and breathing heavy, and I felt something hard pressing into my back....whoops... He started to lose control and wanted to take me right there. I asked him if he remembered what I'd told him in the beginning about waiting until marriage. He said yes, but yet he still expected me to start getting wild. When I refused, he got all upset and got up to leave. By then the movie was over. I gave him the other untouched pizza to take home, but I don't think that was any consolation. He left without a kiss or even a goodnight, and I was left feeling hurt and upset. Was I wrong? Should I just say "what the hell" and just give it up to him? Am I being cruel and making him feel like less than a man, or undesirable because of this? Are my values ridiculous? It certainly felt that way at that moment. Maybe my inviting him over was sending him a different message. Maybe it was the entirely wrong thing to do...

Stuck...

I got myself into this mess--thought I could play with fire without getting burnt I guess. But not the case---obviously! And now I am stuck... Not only have I still been seeing the man down the hall, but I've been going nuts over him. Friday night I knocked to say hello, and he answered, naked, as usual.... I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie. (Again I felt guilty for treating him poorly, and I also felt a tad bit lonely.) He said he would after he finished his laundry, which would take about half an hour. Then I went back to my place, felt motivated, and began cleaning and doing laundry myself. In almost no time at all, there was a knock on the door. It was him, wearing a big goofy grin. He looked so cute.. I grabbed the big stack of dvds I own (all 6 of them) and followed him to his place. We watched Happy Gilmore, a good majority of it actually, before the stuff started to happen again.. Unfortunately I didn't stop him, feeling extremely horny myself, and I just submitted, which made him lose control even more... Before I knew it, I was participating something I'd never done before and never thought of doing-------e v e r! (I believe they name this thing after a number..) Then we took a shower....together..... And afterwards we laid out on his bed watching another movie, him falling asleep as he held me. That was Friday.... Saturday I baked him about 70 peach, cherry, strawberry, and blueberry pies in those mini tins for his lunches. Then yesterday, however, he wanted to see me again. Content just to be with him, I came over with my blanket. He wasn't content with just being together though, wanting more... I got scared and told him to stop. He didn't understand what was wrong----it's as if everything I told him about wanting to remain a virgin didn't sink in. He was clueless. And now I'm stuck. Being a lonely romantic has brought me to this... So now, how will I get out of this? He keeps saying things like "when we do it" when I told him right off. Well, if that all he wants from me then he's going to have to get it pretty quick that I'm not the one for that. Creep. And I'm such an idiot for letting it get out of hand like this! Well, there's only one way to stop it...

Try Again....

So, last night I left his place right after the show was over. I didn't say goodbye---I didn't say a word. I just left. Then I got up and turned on my cell phone to find a message from my nasty ex, him blathering on about himself and then requesting that I "call him back". Ha HA! What a damn fool! Does he really think I'm ever going to speak to his stupid a$$? Is he that vain and egotistically oblivious to even suggest that I could ever be his friend after the whole New Year's fiasco? HA! Well, I guess he's in for a real shocker then... So, overall I feel it is time I take a break from the opposite sex. Speaking of which, did I mention that I was sexually harassed at work today??? Yes, I do believe it IS time to commit myself to a lifetime of solitude and celibacy! Amen!

V-day is for Chumps

Here's to the most commerically centered day on the planet... Just got an ecard from my ex. Think I would dream of responding? Hell no! And do you think I'm going to see the creep tonight down the hall? I'd rather sleep naked in a snowbank. Yeah--I know. I was "convinced" that the guy was actually nice and decent. Well, I was obviously decieved. The guy only wants to f*&8 me. That was clear last night when he came to ask me over. I was content with just watching tv together, maybe cuddling and being close. Possibly even having a nice, normal conversation--just enjoying our time together, being social. Apparently he felt the only way he could really enjoy my society was if he were to strip down and cram his hands in my crotch. He kept asking me to do things I really didn't feel like doing. It was really crappy. It's as if I'm his "3D porno" that he only wants around when he feels like it's time to "get off". Soooooo---the hell with him. I'm going to go running. And if he thinks I'm going to just be his personal hooker, showing up on the days he needs some "relief", he can go to hell. A$$hole.

Oh sh&t---he's here... Guess I'm screwed. Well, I will not submit to him!

Because he cares...

...I can't help caring deeply about him. Yes--we're still seeing each other. The other night he came over, and then I went back to his place to watch our favorite program--blanket in tow.. It was the first time I felt whole... We just sat there on his couch, cuddling under one of his big blankets, side by side, sharing a recliner--holding each other. I rested my head on his shoulder praying for the gap of years to suddenly be bridged. *Sigh.* He will be 35 in April.....I cannot believe it... Could this be for real? My whole preprogrammed set of mores has been rendered irrelevant, the years melt when we're together. But then I think of my family--those standards cannot be traversed. Never would it work. Then I must tell him to keep away when my parents come to visit. He just says "ok" and holds me, kissing me, smiling. But then, what is it exactly that we have?? Do we have anything at all? Should we? Why did I let this happen? And why, dear god why, am I falling for him? Please, can I press rewind now? Can I take it all back? Something needs to happen, and fast....but I just don't know what that is. Any suggestions? For now, I just try and serve my purpose...to make him happy. I bake for him, I care for him, I keep him company as a faithful devoted companion can. But he needs more... And what he needs, I fear I cannot give him..

The Inner Child...

I appologize for it being so long since the last update on this "situation". Well, things had looked good--it appeared as if he would be leaving me alone for good. But no. The other morning when I was about to leave for work, he was coming down the stairs just as I was getting into my car. I pretended not to notice, but he came over and opened my door... I had my seatbelt on, so when he did that, he basically jerked me forward. He appologized, and like a child I denied having seen him coming. Then he tried to kiss me after his "have a good day" and I told him my breath was horrible. So, that night he came by around 7, because I "had to watch" Seinfeld. This continued for a couple days, but whenever he tried anything, I told him that I wasn't in the mood because of my period coming. Three days ago I came by his place after class to watch Seinfeld with him as I felt bad for the way I'd been treating him, even though I know that's the way it must be. I was very nice to him, massaging his back, rubbing his head, and hold him. But then something nasty came out of his mouth that just set me on edge: he had a problem with women.. This was not the first time he'd said something nasty about women. I ground my teeth and tried to hold back, but then when he said I shouldn't cut my hair because I'll "look like a butch" I just lost it and unleashed myself--he met up with "the modern woman" at last. I left, and since then the inner stuborn child has been at the forefront, ignoring him completely and hiding herself away from such a creep. She won't come out until she has her way. Perhaps this will be the end at last? One could only hope...