The Difference is Clear

Sad, but true. A good and healthy thing though. The initial effects of a mutual recovery from loneliness seemed to have worn off. Now it appears that reality has finally set in. The "age difference" is defined in itself and not to be taken lightly for a reason. Perhaps mother nature has built that in for a reason? Who knows... All I am aware of right now is the fact that dissolving passions as a result of that fact, while somewhat sad, are much needed. The inevitable incompatibility between Victor and myself had to come about eventually. I guess I'm glad that it is before things became too obscured. The ten-year difference rang true for much of the time, but really hit home yesterday when he began to fall asleep at 8:00 and I got annoyed. When he suggested I spend the night with him the next night (today) I blatantly refused, tossing out a lame excuse that he could obviously see through. Then I basically kicked him out. He was quite angry and upset as he hasn't even tried to make the effort to speak with me today at all. To top it off, I made him some fortune cookies from scratch today with little silly but sweet messages in them. I left them at his doorstep. He obviously found it childish and horrible as I noticed they were missing, but he never responded or came by. Well, can't say I didn't try eh? That's alright--I won't be here at all tomorrow, so he couldn't respond even if he wanted. But that's a good thing--this whole fiasco between us was never meant to be--hopefully he has realized that too.

I am a Slut

Yeah--it's true. Let's see--I'm hanging around a guy who's ten years my senior, I let him touch and fondle me, lay on my bed, and then convince me to sleep in the same bed with him just last night. So yes, I am the trashiest of tramps. Plus, being in his bed last night made me break out in an itchy rash that covered almost my entire body except my face. So who knows what kind of bugs he has, or when the last time it was that he washed his bedding. But regardless, I just jumped right in, on a work night nonetheless. (Did I mention that my job is suffering and it looks like I will be fired soon?) So last night I snuck out of his bed at about 2:30 am because I really couldn't sleep anyway and I was itchy, and I was sick of him farting and snoring. But hey, what do you expect when you are whorey enough to go out with a guy a decade older than you? That means that I was 10 when he was 20! That is unreal...and sad. I've been making up daily excuses so he won't try to become intimate with me. But these will not hold out for long. So, what now? What am I going to do with my pathetic life? I don't know--I just don't know...

What have I done.....

Well, I really did it this time... Boy I just have a tremendously good sense of judgement......at least if I were a rabbit or a squirrel that is! Do you really want to know how it went? Should I really tell you? Well, I guess I have no choice as this site was made for my blunders, right? Alright. So the "dinner date" on Saturday was definitely not what I would have expected it to be. The guy next door, I will call him "Victor" here for confidentiality purposes, asked me first if I wanted to come over and watch movies. Well, of course---I was so lonely I would've watched mud-wrestling with a known nymphomaniac! Unfortunately, he must have picked up on that vibe.. He put in these comic DVDs, and I sat with him (a few feet apart from him) on this really big oblong couch. His apartment wasn't the cleanest, but I wanted to be nice, so I watched and laughed at the most awkward and baudy jokes imaginable. I couldn't even count the number of raunchy sexual jokes that were told, but man was I uncomfortable. So after that, he came back to my place to cook the dinner. I helped him get everything going and work my oven and all. He seemed really polite and nice, and I began to relax. We started joking and laughing, and then I sat down at the table while he checked the steaks. He indirectly asked me my age by trying to guess it. He thought I was 21, but then I told him I was 24. Wow---he replied--all disbelief. Then I decided to ask him how old he was. I would have guessed about 28 maybe. But my guess was off by quite a bit--he said he was 34. Wow--a little old for me--my brain completely dismissed the possibility of anything it had been meditating on before. And of course I could realize that now and just be friends, which wouldn't be a bad thing at all. We were still talking and everything, one moment him standing next to my chair----then before I knew it, he was massaging my shoulders! Oh dear....this is not good I thought...... Yet my body was saying that it wasn't only good, it was grreat... Oh boy... Months of longing and loneliness gave my body powers that were insurmountable to my brain, and so, well, I didn't tell him to stop. Clearly he had the same internal defeat because the massaging turned into holding, caressing, and then......kissing................ Oh, and it gets better. I went back to his apartment after dinner to watch another movie, but we ended up making out and well---getting naked. The next morning he came over to see me again. I was hoping that maybe we could just reconcile that, but I guess that is why I'm a fool because clearly that wasn't going to happen. He grabbed and held me, starting kissing me, and before I knew it we were on my bed... :( It didn't take long for our clothes to suddenly evaporate again and things that someone completely inexperienced in everything like myself couldn't even begin to utter here. But at least my stupidity didn't allow for me to lose my virginity to this guy. Victor wants me though. And I'm cringing to think that I let all of that happen!!!! I'm so stupid.. What the h&*l have I done???? :( Please pray for me--I have no idea how to get out of this one, except maybe if my excessive mode of self-preservation/abstinence could let him know that it's a "dead-end" being with me. Oh pray for me and the absolution of my stupidity! :(

The First Contact...

He came by today. The guy next door came by to ask me to dinner. I acted like a fool. He said right out that I appeared very shy... Yeah--no kidding! But he asked me just the same. The guy wants to cook it for me, and then bring it over to my place as I have the only "dinner table" between us! Why is he being so nice to me?? And then he wants to watch a movie. He's going to bring an assortment--we will probably watch it at his place. This is just so crazy---why is he being so kind and caring? All I did was bake a few things in my crummy electric oven! But now he is just being so sweet. He couldn't possibly be interested in me...he's too nice and good and handsome. He asked me if I wanted his number, and I acted like a fool, turning as red as a tomato. Obviously he didn't mean anything by it, simply wanting me to be able to call him when we were to have dinner, but I acted so embarrassingly. I'm a fool, and he knows it. Yet he is still trying to be charitable... That is all it is, yet the butterflies in my stomach continue to churn.. I must just stop it and act like a normal human being in the midst of this charity, and then let him continue on his way. But why is it so hard for me to be rational??

A Good Read

I highly recommend The Go-Girl Guide as an exceptional piece of literature for any twenty-something gal like myself who is struggling with her steps in the dating/mating dance, or even just wants to do a little relationship tweaking. It was actually written specifically for us lonely career-centered gals in our twenties who are simply seeking a little more out of life.... Enjoy! :)

Foolish Anticipation...

Ok---I finally wrote a reply to the guy next door. It was so lame! And I know he was just trying to be nice in asking me to dinner, but I know that the letter I wrote and taped on his door just now is going to completely ruin that. Naturally I had to make a big deal out of it, so he will certainly think I am a psycho---if not already--and he will definitely regret ever having suggested the dinner thing. He obviously feels sorry for me and when he reads what I wrote, how 'I'd like to and it would be fun even though he didn't have to ask
and I will either help or pay depending..', he will surely know that I am a complete psycho and be kind of like, 'umm...no thanks...' or 'well, i could bring something over, not a problem, just trying to be nice..' In the meantime I will feel like a total fool, as usual. 'Way to go' to me! I always manage to ruin everything and look like a fool by being super intense when obviously the guy just wants to be charitible.... Yes, I am, once again, an idiot! Now it' s just dreading, waiting in anticipation for the horrible reply. Boy oh boy. (Yeah, I don't even know how I could get such a notion that the guy would ever be interested in me because a. I'm hideous and he's not, b. I'm lonely and he's probably got someone or in a relationship, c. He's a mature, intelligent, well-rounded person, which I'm not. ) Well, let's just hope this whole ordeal of humiliation and rejection is over quick so I can move on quickly and forget about this week's blunder...

The Guy Next Door, part deux

Oh boy...I can't believe this is happening... Well, I guess the guy next door got his banana bread, but he left me another note on my door, even after I said no thank you's were necessary. This note makes me a little nervous, and the butterflies are definitely starting to fly around in my stomach... Well, I can't explain it exactly, so here is the note in it's original form:

"I'll start by saying that I have no clue as to what I've done to deserve such kindness, but the pie and banana bread were delicious. I know you said that there was no need to thank you, but actually there is every need to thank you. As far as whether or not it is edible, yes it is....very much so! lol All this kindness and delicious baking is going to spoil me quite quickly, but I think I will learn to deal with it (insert grinning smilie here) I would like to take this opportunity to ask you if I may cook you dinner some evening or maybe take you out to dinner as a way of returning your kindness. (blushing smilie face) Hopefully you will let me return the kindness. Again, thank you very much! They were both delicious!!!"

Oh gracious---should I? Wow. I know I should be brave, but it is so hard. Well, I guess now the ball is in my court.... Wish me luck!!

The Guy Next Door

Yes! I know that I've already posted today, but I wanted to really get this out there while there was still time. (This is going to be a busy week!) So, a while back I baked a bunch of cherry pies for the neighbors in my apartment building. (This was actually after the New Year fiasco when I decided it was time to meet people!) So, I baked a couple for some of the men on my floor, and then one for a nice older lady who lives on the floor above. Well, just the other day I came back from a run and there was an envelope taped onto my door. It was from a nice man who lives in an apartment just down the hall from me. Anyway, the note was so sweet that I must quote it here:

Hello,
Hi there crazy baker lady! lol I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to thank you, but I've been hoping to see you in passing and thank you personally. I just wanted to say thank you for the pie, it was very thoughful and kind of you. In the time that I have lived here, the kindness that you have shown has been a rare commodity to say the least. It is very much appreciated and nice to know that there are still kind people in this world. Your boyfriend is one lucky person if he recieves even only a portion of this kindness. Again, I just wanted to say thank you very much.

Isn't that sweet? Of course, I don't have a boyfriend....I wonder if he's free?? He is a good looking guy, young looking too. Maybe??? Nah...he must be taken---and he wouldn't want anything to do with me, right? Well, anyway, naturally I spent tonight baking again for the "neighbors".... And of course I had to reply to him---although I just wanted to tell him I had no boyfriend and that if he were free...haha...but no, I just basically wrote him a nice reply about how I truly appreciated his sweet note and that next time he saw me he could tell me if the banana bread was edible..... So.....we'll see what happens from there......

Adventures in Online Dating

Well, let me tell you about the guy I met online last night... I was in this yahoo chatroom when suddenly I met the man of my dreams... Too bad he lives hundreds of miles from me and I can't see him face to face. But no matter...just to know that he's out there makes me feel so much better! haha Yes, there are still good men in the world, I KNOW IT! I refuse to let myself believe that there aren't--even if it is tempting to. But this 26 year old man, a total stranger, spent last night chatting to me about life, love, and dreams. He was a true gentleman, open, and honest. He didn't even hold back the fact that he lives with his parents, has a crummy job, and is a little overweight. I was just so taken by his honesty and charmed by his unabashed decency! We added one another to our aim buddy lists, and we had a nice conversation tonight. Wow--just to have a man to talk to on a regular basis--one as sweet and kind as him--gives me so much hope for happiness! Too bad he doesn't live closer though... And too bad it seems like his kind is a vanishing breed.. But no matter. Hope is rekindled--somewhat!

How I kicked off the new year...

Well, let's just say that it wasn't as difficult to fix a resolution for this year... It turns out that a "friend" of mine, a girl I gave my number to for the singular use of a get together with other old college friends in September, decided it would be appropriate to give out my number to my ex-boyfriend. (He is my ex because he cheated on me with about 4 different girls without my knowledge. We have been broken up for a little over a year.) So, being the 'nice guy' he is, he decided to take my number from the stupid girl. We hadn't talked in about a year. But wait, it gets better.. His mother, for some strange reason, sent me a Christmas card this year. Why, I have no idea. She sent it to my parents' house and they mailed it to me. Of course being the fool I am, I decided to be courteous and send her one back---from my new address. I didn't think anything of it at the time of course, but whatever. So, my ex-boyfriend now had both my new number and my new address. I was oblivious to this until I arrived home again from my parents' a few days after Christmas. I had turned off my cell phone for the holidays, but when I turned it on, I found two messages waiting for me. One was a text message from him, sent on Christmas Day. The other was a voice message from a friend of his asking me to call my ex. Naturally I was furious!!!!!!! And appalled at how he could get my phone number without my knowledge and have the audacity to use it!!! So of course I wasn't going to call him back!! But being the fool I answered the phone when it next rang without looking at the number---and it was him... He told me he WAS COMING to see me. I asked him how he got my number, if and how he even knew where I was?? He then told me about my exceptionally loyal friend.....just wait till I see her next! And then the Christmas card of course. I'm such an idiot! Anyway, he WAS coming that evening. So, needless to say, he did. Could I stop him? Did he listen to my entreaties for him to keep away? Did he ever listen to a d*mn thing I ever said?? Nope. I could have called the police, but that would have been a little extreme, so I just waited--until the creep came. Hadn't changed a bit. Brought me some kind of expensive kitchen crap, and then tried giving me a hug twice. I went through the motions as to have the least amount of physical contact. Then he kept talking and wouldn' t leave until about 4 hours later at midnight when I told him I was tired for the 20th time and was (haha) "glad he stopped by". But it didn't stop there. He was in town for the week, so I guess it was his ambition to make my life a living hell while he could. Went to dinner with him and his friends the next night as they all just kinda "dropped in" without even calling. Then on New Year's eve his friends insisted that I come to some party at a place one of them had in the town I live. This idiot here naturally didn't want to be anti-social with them, and gave into peer pressure as she wasn't able to come up with a decent excuse as to why she couldn't. So then New Year's Eve was a nightmare. When I thought that anything would be better than just sitting alone in my apartment, I was quite sadly mistaken. The activities of the night included watching football and playing beer pong. There were only two other women there, so the three of us just kind of sat around like lumps on the couch while the men tossed pingpong balls into cups and swore at the tv. The conversation was focused on beer, sex, and the amazing size of my ex's penis. When that third part came up I felt like gagging and vomiting on the spot. But I comforted myself with the ignorance I had in the matter, and so was able to keep my stomach contents down for the time being. Then at midnight, this stupid girl, a friend of my ex's, after kissing her boyfriend asked me, "Aren't you and --- going to kiss?" I just gave her a look like, what planet are you from idiot? I think revulsion was probably in there too. Anyway, I should have never come. I felt extremely awkward, and that stupid b&*ch didn't make it any better. And then when I was about to go, as if that nasty girl has some hold over my idiot ex, she tried to get him to walk me to the door. Of course he listened to her, and not to me when I said for the umteenth time "I'm set, I got it, thanks." (I just had a few bags to carry home.) But then he kept trying to corner me when I was putting my shoes on. (He had been playing flip-cup with his buddies like an immature high school kid and was drunk as a skunk---hasn't changed!) I kept looking down and edging away, and he was trying to grab me and god knows whatelse. He was able to get his arms around me, but I didn't put my head up still and pushed him away. He was like, I know this has been awkward, but I have your number now... It was all I could do not to belt him one in the nuts and run out the door screaming. So, the moral of the story: Know who you're talking to when you pick up your phone. And don't leek out any personal information to anyone! (Unless they're really close with you.) My resolution: Never again!

Greetings!

Hi there! Let me just tell you a little bit about myself. I am a single gal who lives in a studio and works a job to try and make ends meet. Yes--just your fairly typical mid-twenty-something gal with a career-centered, work-a-holic mindset. Of course naturally this mindset has kept me from the one thing I genuinely yearn for--a loving relationship with a kind-hearted, caring, and mature young man. Unfortunately, however, I have begun to doubt that such a species of young man even exists. This is an unhealthy belief and a problem. I know this, yet lack of evidence has led me to retain this belief. A history of awkward, uncaring, and crummy relationships has padded my fears about ever continuing the search for that special someone... But no matter. That is what this blog is all about.