Re-awakening

Jack and I met for the first time the other night. Although I had no clue what we would do when he got here, we ended up having so much fun! As we walked around the lakeside park, I noted how the beach had not closed yet and that there would still be time to swim. But then I quickly bit my tongue, embarrassed, as he hadn't been prepared for a dip in the lake. Much to my surprise, he insisted that we swim anyway--that it would be lots of fun--even though I kept bugging him about his shorts getting all wet. He just waved it off saying he had an extra pair in his truck. How incredibly spontaneous he is! Then after our brief swim, (it got dark fast), we headed over to my place and watched a movie. He has such a great personality! His laugh is amazingly sweet. We didn't get to finish the movie as he had to work the next day, but it was alot of fun just to be with him. I'm so glad to have such an amazing new friend! Nathan is clearly caught up in his own egotistical funk now and is out of the picture for good. He's seen that I don't even approach his expectations, and is probably now with some anorexic model-worthy chick who makes gobs of money and is always the life of any party. Jack is willing to do things with me that I've always longed to do with Nathan but never felt comfortable enough doing with him as he was never really my friend. Jack has already expressed interest in kayaking, hanggliding, and white-water rafting. Wouldn't that be great if I could now begin being happy with a guy who likes to be around me for who I am?

Emerging From the Rubble......

Although we were both online the other night, Nathan and I didn't speak to one another. In fact, since I declined his visitation offer last week, he has not contacted me since. And the winner is... Yes--I win. I was so confident that he didn't really care about me that I knew he wouldn't put any effort forth in trying to mend things between us. Secretly, I was willing to fix things--to patch up the shaky vessel and set it back on life's turbulent rapids as its caring and determined navigator... But, I wanted to see if he similarily had even any inkling of that faith. He does not. So I have won. However, this victory is bittersweet because it's obvious that if for one instant he had picked up that ball, I would have run with it. I would have at least tried. Well, maybe he'll find a woman with those traits that are just so...admirable...in himself.. Ha! At any rate, my new online friend "Jack" and I have been hitting it off--big time. Already I know he is lightyears beyond Nathan in his capacity to care about others. Also, Jack's mentality is anything but superficial--he knows what really matters in life and unlike Nathan isn't hung up on looks or 'how great' he is. At any rate, we are both dying to meet one another, but I cannot promise to be anything but his friend until this whole Nathan fiasco has officially come to a close. I do believe though that it is only a matter of time now before my victory is confirmed.

The War is on

So a few days ago, Nathan called from work. He wanted me to come down and visit him his last week in DC. His proposition was that I come down with his two other friends, who were also coming. There was no way I was going to go down there and see him. So I made up an excuse. Told him I had something planned with the family at the time he was having people over, and that I couldn't make it. The excuse was so pathetic and phoney that a 3 year old would have seen through it. But unfortunately it was all I could say at the time. Nevertheless, he persisted in a whiny voice telling me I "had to come down" and that he would get on his knees and beg if he were here. Feeling rotten, I forced myself to laugh and say that I wouldn't want to be a burden and that things would be less packed in his place without another person. He was about to say something, but couldn't find the words. I quickly said bye and hung up. I wanted to cry, and I hate myself for still caring---damnit WHY?? Why do I still care for this man? What concievable reason could I have? So while at home yesterday, I finally broke down and told my mother most everything that's been going on with him. She agrees with my reasonable part--that I need to tell this guy to go to hell. She sees him for what he is and is on my side. My reasonable side. Oh how I wish my reason was all I had... Why must I have these fickle emotions which drive me mad? Why must I still feel something for him? Why would I still give him my right lung? What the hell is wrong with me??? At any rate, I CANNOT expose my soft inner part to this man, but must keep my armor on, my daggers pointed outward, my guns loaded... For if I falter, heaven knows what sort of mess I will spiral into. He is wishy-washy with his committments, caring only for himself. I cannot live with that.

Poison

The earth has opened up and swallowed my independent, private, and relatively happy lifestyle. Nathan came by yesterday, barging right back into my life with no consciousness of anyone but himself. After I had just come back from exercising, he waltzed right on in and "informed me" that I was going to a ballgame with him and his friends. Beautiful. I asked him if I could at least shower first.. He "consented" and as I took my hurried 4 minute shower, he sautered around in my place looking at stuff.. Then the final blow.. He got a job up here. He starts next month. He will be moving back to NY. Inside I was screaming, swearing. Outside I put on a stupid phoney grin. So anyway, not too pleased about that. However, I feel confident he will stay away. My artillery of a dull wit, poor conversation, overbearing timidity, and a foul over-weight out-of-shape appearance would be tough to beat. So although he's now back up here, he won't be in my life for long. In fact, I'll give it maybe a month before the lines of communication are cut--for good. So now with all this crap, I've been afraid to hang out with the lovely new friend I've met online. We are still talking, but I can sense that he's impatient to hang out. So perhaps Nathan's lines will have to be cut off much sooner. And after assessing the revulsion in his face and manner from the tremendous effects of my artillery yesterday, I'd say that's a great possibility. So I look forward to this poison being purged from my life once and for all!

Barbeques and Cyberspace

This will be lame, but that is because I've promised to post more often and not much has happened since the last... So my neighbor, Victor, came over last night for the debut of my cheap little charcoal grill. (Hey, what do you want on the limited budget of a starving student and summer-stranded teacher?) The chicken cooked very nicely, and I was grateful for Victor's pointers as I am only but a rookie when it comes to grilling. So we had that along with some corn on the cob, (the first of the season), and fruit kabobs for desert. :) mmmmmmmmmm Not only was it wonderful to have his company, but it was also nice to be sitting down to a real meal! So after dinner and a little homework, I decided to go online and check my....yes...cupid.com account. haha I know...it's horrible...but what do you expect from a lonely gal like myself eh? To my excitement, I ended up meeting this really cool guy who lives about an hour away! Practically made for me...he must have been I know it! haha He's down-to-earth, kind, considerate, doesn't smoke, loves sports and the outdoors, and is respectable to boot! (Not at all like the nutty "one-night stand guy".) Soooo....we ended up talking for hours....it was 1:00 in the morning when we ended our conversation! We exchanged numbers, and he actually asked if he could call me tonight! So, I'm excited.. Could this be the one I've been looking for? Is happiness only a phone call away? Or am I just losing my mind? At any rate...we'll know soon enough... Till next time!

Exotic Debauchery

Yes. It has been a long time. But emotions have been running wild, and times have been turbulent. Not much of an excuse, but here goes... So, Nathan did come up at the end of last month. He did call me up to come see him at his friend's house, and I did go see him. But not withstanding the reassurance of my trusty two-wheeled transport to take the focus away from my failed appearance and bumbling awkwardness. Most of the conversation I had was exchanged with Nathan's friend "Samuel" anyhow, so life was good. One lifeless hug/pat on the back from Nathan, and I was out the door with my trusty bike, heading for home after a fairly painless hour in the company of some really nice people--Nathan's friends. So I'm free from that. The next encounter I had with a man took place during the next few days after the meeting. This is where my title comes in... Yes--I had my, dare I say, second sexual encounter with a man ever. And how we met--very shady. He was a nut I met online. We were both horny and alone, but had absolutely nothing in common. Bad enough that he smoked and I didn't, but our values and intellects also clashed quite blatantly. So yes--you could call this the closest thing I've ever had to a "one-night stand". We hated each other, yet wanted each other, so we slept together at his place on a few separate ocassions last week until finally he realized that I wasn't going to let him have sex with me. So needless to say that didn't last although things did get quite crazy the last night. However, frustration reached it's peak and the next day he called me to tell me what I already knew...that we didn't "click". No kidding! You feel you are a superior being for writing make believe stories in high school. I prefer someone more down-to-earth and have long since put my teenage years behind me. So no, we didn't click. So at this point now my dealings with men are next to none. Recently I've been talking with the neighbor again...and today I stopped by to watch some tv with him...but nothing more between us anymore. Tomorrow he is going to stop by for dinner, but we are just friends now, so it will be relaxing. But needless to say, I will keep you posted more often now... Who knows, maybe there is real romance out there somewhere and I will discover it this summer...