What About MY Feelings??

It has been several weeks since my ex-boyfriend announced his intentions to move back to the area after having lived and worked in Virginia for almost three years now. It was in this announcement that he also expressed his desire for us to "give it another shot" and get back together. Within those three years, we have basically gone our separate ways. Before he left, I had a painful yet necessary talk with him. I told him that I cared for him a great deal and always would, but that I wanted him to be free from me as he was starting a new life in Virginia. Nathan insisted that we remain together nonetheless, and being truly in love with him, I submitted to my heart's will. We decided to keep it going then, relying on time and long-distance communication to decide our ultimate fate. I knew such a decision was foolish, yet my deep feelings for him made it seem completely logical. Well, only a few short weeks after his move, communication dwindled to being rare or nonexistent. Then I began to find out about them... I found out that Nathan was going to lunch with rich young women in the area. Still optimistic and trusting, I thought nothing of it and continued to think about him and write to him even though my letters generally went unanswered. However, I could not deny the truth for long. One day while leaving a message on a friend's blog, I happened to discover a link to Nathan's own. Naturally I was curious as he'd never mentioned it before to me, and I clicked the link... What I discovered made me want to burst into tears. The very first entry....the VERY FIRST...was about a girl he had met and "bought" at an auction benefit. In gross detail, Nathan had described their night together screwing each other's brains out, concluding that "he would have continued to date her if it weren't for the fact that she'd had a boyfriend"... The contents of my stomach worked their way up as I struggled to keep them down. I continued to read other entries, discussing the lunches with the rich bitches, a girl he was seeing when he went home for the holidays (after he saw me), and other encounters with girls he met and fucked in VA. And the best part?? He NEVER ONCE stopped seeing me or telling me he cared about me. He never expressed discontent with me, even suggesting (during one of our rare conversations) that I "move in with him" in VA (although he knew I was still finishing my education up here). So after finding this all out I sent him an email. I told him he was free. I told him I had heard (although not how) about some (not all) of the girls from his blog. He denied it, said it was "nothing". But I proceeded to tell him he was a free man, and extricate myself from a relationship that clearly should have been ended on that fateful day of his leaving. Communication then came to a halt.
NOW a YEAR later he says he wants to "get back together"?? Is he out of his skull? Doesn't he realize that what he did was entirely wrong? Doesn't he see that it can never be repaired---that the damage has been done and it is permanent? Apparently my feelings don't matter or exist. I guess he just thinks that he can do whatever he pleases, whenever, and that how he hurt me is irrelevant--that I will just come to him like his dog or horse and take whatever he gives me. Well, he obviously isn't thinking. And now he's planning on moving back up here---he already has an interview for the local position that he is vying for. Does he CARE how I feel about him trying to get back into my life? Did he even LISTEN when I told him how I felt? NO and NO. He doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone but himself. Once again he was overtaken with a whim...he is approaching the "quarter-life crisis" with nothing constant but a steady stream of varied girlfriends and one-night stands under his belt. The other girls have figured out what a creep he is and are keeping their distance. Whatever girlfriend(s) he had deserted him, and now he is lonely, trying to regain an unconditional love that he carelessly through away. I dread the thought of him getting the job and coming back here. I never want to see him again.

An Old Problem Comes Back...

A few days ago while online, my ex-boyfriend signed on and sent me a message, sounding like he urgently wanted to speak to me. I messaged him back a hello, and he said he'd like to speak on the phone. With fear in the pit of my stomach, I said that would be fine. Deep down, I had some inclination of what was coming. That feeling was confirmed when Nathan, (the same guy who visited here for New Years and made me feel like crap), told me he was searching for a job back up here.. My stomach suddenly turned into mush, as I just couldn't believe what I'd just heard. Then he said it: "When people are asking why I'm doing this, I tell them that I want to be closer to my family...and there is this girl up there..." I felt like crying out uncontrollably and yelling out: What do you mean? You hate me! We don't even talk anymore! We're over! You cheated on me and didn't care how you hurt me! But I didn't say any of those things. As a matter of fact, I barely said anything at all.. He said that he wants to get back together..that he wants to give us another chance.. WHY??? What good would it do but bring all that pain back up to the surface all over again? He wants me to come down south to stay with him for a month, that he'd already planned out, this summer...WHY??? He wrote me and told me that he wants me to be part of his life....WHAT FOR?? Oh please god, don't let his intentions be serious.. And you know the sad part...while I talk to my friends about this situation with a good logical outlook...that's not how I really feel at all. As a matter of fact...I am incredibly confused, and my emotions, which are ridiculous, seem as though they are getting the better of me... :( Oh lord, please help me to act logically, to not be overcome and undone by my innate feelings for this man.. He's already proven it.....he could never love me..