A New Dawn

I have once again been horrible with my posting. Now, three months later, I suppose it is about time to fill you in on the intense events that have captured my attention while away. About 2 months ago, I met an intriguing guy named Vince online. For some reason, I was drawn to him and had to find out more. So I sent him a message. He got back to me via instant messenger shortly afterwards. Vince seemed like a nice guy, but he also appeared to think I only wanted to 'get with him'. He requested my picture and I sent it to him. As he wasn't too appalled, he said we should get together. What this 'get together' would entail was somewhat shaky, but deciding to go with my gut feeling, I resigned myself to believing he was good-natured, regardless of the sexual inuendo he expressed online. So, I rashly agreed to meet him at his apartment for a movie. (This was in December.) Well, I was very nervous and when I got there, he instantly wanted me to sit on the couch with him. It wasn't until the movie got going that I realized this was a fold-out couch. We ended up in a 'lying down' position, and as he wrapped his arm around me, his leg followed... Then as if that weren't enough, he began to move his hand up under my shirt to fondle my breast. By then, I clearly expressed my consternation. He was obviously used to a different type of girl. He realized, then, that I wasn't that type of girl and asked me what my longest relationship was. When I told him, I quickly blurted out the fact that I was a virgin. No, I was not there for sex. Naturally, this fact shocked Vince, and he asked me why I had remained a Virgin all this time. I revealed to him my mantra--I'm waiting for the right guy. While he seemed rather disappointed, he agreed not to 'do anything with me' if I was uncomfortable. By then it was 1:30 and I'd decided it was time to leave. After leaving that night, I figured there'd be no chance of him ever wanting to see me again. But still I pursued him--left him messages online about when he wanted to go out next. Finally, two days later he responded, expressing an interest in my idea of going bowling. This became our first real date, and it went well. Finally I got to see him as my gut had known he was--a kind, caring gentleman. Subsequently over the course of that month, we did things together and had fun. Then new years came around and I decided to hang out at his place again. Things again turned sexual, but this time there was a magnetism between us--we really liked each other--so things went much further. It progressed to the point of him wanting to have sex with me--again. I clarified the fact that I wanted to wait. His disappointment was evident, and out of guilt, I decided to consent to bathing with him. Well, things got a little intense from there, and he led me into his bedroom. Once there, I provided a scared consent to his desires. At once, he started thrust it upon me, and I implored he get a condom. Coming back with a condom, he began to get near and dear. It wasn't long before I told him to stop--I asked him how he felt about me. When he couldn't answer anything more than he liked me, we both knew it was time to stop. He was very understanding and supportive of my wishes. I realized that sex wasn't what he was really after either. We began to grow closer. We hung out whenever possible. I met some of his relatives at a basketball tournament. We are now seeing each other whenever we can, even if it is once a week. Yesterday, he met my family for the first time, and it seemed to go well, so I am happy. However, he still wants to be intimate with me. His wish would be if we 'did the deed' on Valentine's Day. However, although he now really really likes me, that still isn't what I am looking for with my first time. Secretly, between you and me, I think I am falling for him. His gentle, caring manner, the way he holds me close, how he thinks of others beyond himself, the genuine honesty and loyalty, the obvious warmth that comes from him---they are rendering me powerless under his spell. However, I don't know if he feels that same bond. He has been very respectful of my decision up to this point and continues to be so. I am just hoping that he feels the same way about me--without the thought of sex.

Wandering Alone

It has been ages since my last post, and since then I have come to one conclusion: I am SO alone. Just found out that a girl at work, younger than me, got engaged. Her boyfriend proposed to her over the weekend. She's wearing a rock the size of a grape, and now because of this, everyone is buying her gifts and treating her like a queen. And all because some man wants her. I cannot help but be envious. Why doesn't anyone want me? Why am I considered less than human because of it? What is wrong with me that weak, shallow, self-centered women all end up with someone while I am thrown to the curb like foul refuse? And why must women at work, like her, who are useless be rewarded every 2 seconds for taking a shit when I don't even recieve a positive comment when I am dancing circles around them? Why will my boss keep those jerks while he's going to get rid of me? Is it because being "desireable" is more important than putting forth effort or caring? When I was younger, I was never "desireable" enough to be picked for a team. It took me having to prove myself to the extreme--by setting multiple school records and winning a state championship--for even the slightest consideration by my peers and teachers. Yet again it is the same. I must be THE BEST in order to be considered at all while others have only to work their jaws and wiggle their asses for recognition. Unless I become the next President of the United States, no one will ever like or care about me. And I can do all the projects I want at work, but if I don't have a man in my life, I might as well resign myself to life as an unemployed failure.

Nothing

I saw Nathan at the carnival this weekend. We made small-talk, but it was the scripted kind, where the words have to be forced out with the greatest effort. Needless to say, Nathan feels nothing for me. And what I feel for Nathan remains in the past--it is history. So, while my mother thinks that we "like each other" and are going to "get back together", (i.e. she's planning our wedding), it's obvious to Nathan, myself, and the rest of the planet that we can be nothing more than just friends. So, after the carnival, I had the regulation hangout with him and friends, and then the next day attended a standard invitation with him and the group. So that all being done, we shouldn't have to see each other again unless by accident. So the motions have been played out, and now we can go back to living our own lives, as the different people we have become. Jack and Victor--I'm done with them too. I have decided it's time to take a break from men for a while. And really, who could blame me? To throw the past away and be left with nothing is much better than to take up something false and hurtful.

Struggling for Light

Jack came over on Sunday, and we had a ball! We went swimming and canoeing, then came back to my place for dinner and a movie. He is such a great guy--very kind and considerate. After he left, I reflected on how happy he'd made me. He is a great friend. However, I can tell that he wants more. Cleaning up afterwards, I suddenly remembered that in the morning, Victor had come over and asked if I wanted to hang out with him later. Feeling guilty that it was already past the time I'd promised to be over, I knocked on his door. The expression on his face strained, we sat down on his couch to watch one of his favorite shows. Remembering a pastry I'd made and refrigerated the day before, I asked him if he wanted to try some. He said yes, so I ran over and got it. That seemed to change his mood, and I was content to see my friend grow happier. Midway through the show, however, I'd realized coming over was a mistake. He started to rub my back and shoulders. I became nervous, but was somehow rooted to the spot. Then he asked me if I thought we should try again... Shocked, I stuttered a lengthly protest---I have an ex-boyfriend trying to get back into my life---I have a new friend who clearly wants more--but he continued to rub deeper, explaining that I could deal with that when it came time. As I resumed my string of protests, he expressed that he wanted me, and that one day at a time was better than not being together at all. He said he missed the cuddling, the baking, the caring. His reply to my arguement that he deserved more was that he was happy for the moment, and that's all that mattered to him. Then he launched into the fears of his upcoming doctor visits...fear that they may find cancer in him. Before I knew it, I was holding his hand...caressing it. Then he wrapped his arms around me, holding me.. It was all over--once again I was under his spell. Lightly he began to kiss my neck, then my lips, and before I knew it--we were making out. Yesterday, I resolved to go over there and talk to him--tell him I was wrong-- appologize for letting it all happen again. However, my strength left me as he pulled in and I cowered here for the rest of the evening. Then later that night when Jack signed online, (he'd already text-messenged me 3 times during the day), he began to reveal his feelings.. Getting scared, I side-tracked him with something stupid before we both ended up saying goodnight and signing off. I am horrible. I am the worst. I am wretched and need to be brought into the light of decency. I need to stay away from men--period.

Oh and P.S.--no word from Nathan, but I will probably see him this weekend. Hopefully he doesn't try to be sociable with me or my parents but just follows his heart and stays away. One can only hope. Maybe he'll bring his new girlfriend to the carnival?

Send-off to a part that still bleeds...

Because I cannot help the fact that a part of me still cares about Nathan, I figured that it would be nice to give it a formal send-off so that I may finally coterize that part of my heart which still continues to bleed...

Nathan,

I want to thank you for being there for me all those years ago, when the cold-shoulders of vultures shut me out after having had their fill of my decimated life. Yes--it was you who put me back on that path, helped me regather myself and come back fighting. You made me feel like I belonged--I wasn't a freak in your eyes. You were never a fair-weather friend. The times we spent together were never boring--you always made me smile! You made me feel special--cared about--happy. And for that I really loved you. I miss you now, but I know that you want to go your separate way and find someone who is special to you. So I thank you for your charity, and wish you all the best in finding love and happiness in your own life.

Sincerely,

One who cares

The End is Confirmed

Yesterday Nathan's previous intentions were rendered obsolete as we battled online. It is clear that he now hates my guts. Well, what else is new except that the truth is finally at the forefront. The actual confirmation of his hatred and the dissolution of his 'crisis whim' took the form of a death wish. Well may he be fortunate enough to find a woman who wishes that sort of happiness for him. Now I shall wash my hands of his taint and embark on a wonderful new adventure called freedom! Jack....I'm freeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Re-awakening

Jack and I met for the first time the other night. Although I had no clue what we would do when he got here, we ended up having so much fun! As we walked around the lakeside park, I noted how the beach had not closed yet and that there would still be time to swim. But then I quickly bit my tongue, embarrassed, as he hadn't been prepared for a dip in the lake. Much to my surprise, he insisted that we swim anyway--that it would be lots of fun--even though I kept bugging him about his shorts getting all wet. He just waved it off saying he had an extra pair in his truck. How incredibly spontaneous he is! Then after our brief swim, (it got dark fast), we headed over to my place and watched a movie. He has such a great personality! His laugh is amazingly sweet. We didn't get to finish the movie as he had to work the next day, but it was alot of fun just to be with him. I'm so glad to have such an amazing new friend! Nathan is clearly caught up in his own egotistical funk now and is out of the picture for good. He's seen that I don't even approach his expectations, and is probably now with some anorexic model-worthy chick who makes gobs of money and is always the life of any party. Jack is willing to do things with me that I've always longed to do with Nathan but never felt comfortable enough doing with him as he was never really my friend. Jack has already expressed interest in kayaking, hanggliding, and white-water rafting. Wouldn't that be great if I could now begin being happy with a guy who likes to be around me for who I am?