Nothing

I saw Nathan at the carnival this weekend. We made small-talk, but it was the scripted kind, where the words have to be forced out with the greatest effort. Needless to say, Nathan feels nothing for me. And what I feel for Nathan remains in the past--it is history. So, while my mother thinks that we "like each other" and are going to "get back together", (i.e. she's planning our wedding), it's obvious to Nathan, myself, and the rest of the planet that we can be nothing more than just friends. So, after the carnival, I had the regulation hangout with him and friends, and then the next day attended a standard invitation with him and the group. So that all being done, we shouldn't have to see each other again unless by accident. So the motions have been played out, and now we can go back to living our own lives, as the different people we have become. Jack and Victor--I'm done with them too. I have decided it's time to take a break from men for a while. And really, who could blame me? To throw the past away and be left with nothing is much better than to take up something false and hurtful.

Struggling for Light

Jack came over on Sunday, and we had a ball! We went swimming and canoeing, then came back to my place for dinner and a movie. He is such a great guy--very kind and considerate. After he left, I reflected on how happy he'd made me. He is a great friend. However, I can tell that he wants more. Cleaning up afterwards, I suddenly remembered that in the morning, Victor had come over and asked if I wanted to hang out with him later. Feeling guilty that it was already past the time I'd promised to be over, I knocked on his door. The expression on his face strained, we sat down on his couch to watch one of his favorite shows. Remembering a pastry I'd made and refrigerated the day before, I asked him if he wanted to try some. He said yes, so I ran over and got it. That seemed to change his mood, and I was content to see my friend grow happier. Midway through the show, however, I'd realized coming over was a mistake. He started to rub my back and shoulders. I became nervous, but was somehow rooted to the spot. Then he asked me if I thought we should try again... Shocked, I stuttered a lengthly protest---I have an ex-boyfriend trying to get back into my life---I have a new friend who clearly wants more--but he continued to rub deeper, explaining that I could deal with that when it came time. As I resumed my string of protests, he expressed that he wanted me, and that one day at a time was better than not being together at all. He said he missed the cuddling, the baking, the caring. His reply to my arguement that he deserved more was that he was happy for the moment, and that's all that mattered to him. Then he launched into the fears of his upcoming doctor visits...fear that they may find cancer in him. Before I knew it, I was holding his hand...caressing it. Then he wrapped his arms around me, holding me.. It was all over--once again I was under his spell. Lightly he began to kiss my neck, then my lips, and before I knew it--we were making out. Yesterday, I resolved to go over there and talk to him--tell him I was wrong-- appologize for letting it all happen again. However, my strength left me as he pulled in and I cowered here for the rest of the evening. Then later that night when Jack signed online, (he'd already text-messenged me 3 times during the day), he began to reveal his feelings.. Getting scared, I side-tracked him with something stupid before we both ended up saying goodnight and signing off. I am horrible. I am the worst. I am wretched and need to be brought into the light of decency. I need to stay away from men--period.

Oh and P.S.--no word from Nathan, but I will probably see him this weekend. Hopefully he doesn't try to be sociable with me or my parents but just follows his heart and stays away. One can only hope. Maybe he'll bring his new girlfriend to the carnival?

Send-off to a part that still bleeds...

Because I cannot help the fact that a part of me still cares about Nathan, I figured that it would be nice to give it a formal send-off so that I may finally coterize that part of my heart which still continues to bleed...

Nathan,

I want to thank you for being there for me all those years ago, when the cold-shoulders of vultures shut me out after having had their fill of my decimated life. Yes--it was you who put me back on that path, helped me regather myself and come back fighting. You made me feel like I belonged--I wasn't a freak in your eyes. You were never a fair-weather friend. The times we spent together were never boring--you always made me smile! You made me feel special--cared about--happy. And for that I really loved you. I miss you now, but I know that you want to go your separate way and find someone who is special to you. So I thank you for your charity, and wish you all the best in finding love and happiness in your own life.

Sincerely,

One who cares

The End is Confirmed

Yesterday Nathan's previous intentions were rendered obsolete as we battled online. It is clear that he now hates my guts. Well, what else is new except that the truth is finally at the forefront. The actual confirmation of his hatred and the dissolution of his 'crisis whim' took the form of a death wish. Well may he be fortunate enough to find a woman who wishes that sort of happiness for him. Now I shall wash my hands of his taint and embark on a wonderful new adventure called freedom! Jack....I'm freeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!